Hi all. It's time for me to spill my guts again, although I'm sure many of you who know my story are probably already turned off by me because I keep saying one thing and doing another... but I don't know how to stop.

Anyway, I am horribly angry at and ashamed of myself for going on suboxone and taking hydro in just as high a quantity as before (I stayed clean about 2 weeks, that's it). I'm so pathetic I seem to be just using the sub to stave off physical withdrawals in between refills... that's an awful, terrible thing to do and it's an insult to anyone who's ever gone on sub, the manufacturers, the doctors and my fiance, who thinks I am staying clean. There, I said it. I wanted to make myself put this in writing so I'd be forced to stare what I've done in the face. I especially feel terrible because my habit is SO bad and SO all-consuming that it's making me resent my fiance for being in the way of my smoothly continuing my disgusting behavior. I'm doing the same **** I was before I started sub, lying to him when the delivery truck comes and telling him refused shipment or that it wasn't for this house, or whatever. This is unforgiveable, I cannot stand myself for doing this. Whenever I am expecting a delivery I actually get hostile feelings toward my fiance and want him to go away because he's trying to keep an eye on me without treating me like a child. And yes I know that I should just have HIM answer the door but I can't find the strength to do that. How can I stop myself? One time he did intercept a package and I actually felt almost hysterical over it. I am mortified that I actually place hydro above him, even tho he's been so supportive.

Today I called the therapist I used to go to so I could finally tell her the truth about my hydro addiction. I'm sure she guessed about it but I refused to admit it at the time. Now I want to tell her everything. The sub alone obviously does not work for me mentally (physically it works fine, except doesn't last as long in my metabolism as it does for others). I've considered in-patient rehab but I don't think that would prepare me for the real world, plus I couldn't risk my work finding out by being out for so long.

Is there any hope for me? Has anyone ever seen someone this weak and out of control actually conquer this dragon? Thanks for listening.

Love,
Fae

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Faeriewitch,

Gee, faerie, I don't know your story, and I don't know what to tell you about your situation, but I DO KNOW about self-doubt and guilt. It takes many forms. Yours has to do with pills or lying to your husband, but believe me, this is not the end of the world. Sometimes I think it is for me, so I know what you are going through even though the circumstances may be different.

You mentioned seeing a therapist or a doctor. If you are able to do that, and you feel you are at your wit's end...then by all means, spill your guts to that professional. Sometimes, just letting it out to an objective person is the best therapy of all.

Like I said, I don't know your story, but pain and suffering are commonalities that many of us share. Why else would we hang out on boards like this? LOL

Try to hang in there. Do what you feel is necessary. Please know that other people have/or do feel the same way you do, even if the circumstances are different.

I wish you the best of luck. Keep posting, if that helps you. Frankly, I rely on boards like this to help get me through because I really have no other forms of help. But that's okay. Whatever works, right?

You will be in my thoughts.

Lindsay

Thank you Lindsay. I think I have taken the first step by openly admitting the full extent of my failure here on this board rather than keeping it a "secret". It took a while to get myself to post about it (although my replies to other people have certainly hinted at it strongly). I am honest with myself enough to see that obviously I am not completely ready to quit on my own or I'd allow my fiance to answer the door when fedex arrives, but I DO want to quit enough to start to take steps toward changing the behavior. And I think if I DON'T quit taking hydro it eventually COULD be the end of my world, literally. There's always that danger.

I haven't heard back from the therapist yet but hopefully will get in to see her next week.

Hey, faerie...you know what? That word "failure" is the greatest poison of all. Believe me, I know. Telling yourself over and over and over how you have failed, how worthless you are...it is far worse and far harder to conquer than any other problems we have, whether it be "addiction," marriage problems, job problems, or really ANYTHING ELSE. When we lose our self-confidence and decide that we are "losers" and "failures"...that's when the trouble really begins. I'm not preaching to you because I am right in the middle of this whole psychological thing that you are going through. Not the same problem as you, but it boils down to the same thing. I am trying to work myself out of that lowly mentality, and I know how hard it is for you because I'm going through it right now. But I'm trying to get a grip on things and realizing that I really am my own worst enemy. I hope you understand what I'm trying to tell you.

You are going to be okay. As far as the meds you are taking, I am no doctor, and I do not know anything about overdosing with what you are taking. Seek professional advice regarding that. But as far as the mental part, and I know it's hard, darn near impossible, but if you don't s****e yourself up off the sidewalk, pretty much no one else will. If they do, it will be short-term...know what I mean?

I know my statements are somewhat cryptic, but I hope you understand some of the things I'm telling you. Reaching out to help you is actually helping me. It is theraputic to me, and I thank you for that.

Like I said, hang in there. Do what you gotta do. It's not hopeless...and believe me, I keep trying to convince MYSELF of that. LOL

Lindsay

For some reason my post was edited, but the edited part said, " pick your self up off the side walk. Not sure why that was edited. Sorry.

Lindsay

I didn't change anything in your post, but I hit the edit

button. Now do you see what I am saying?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Rosie,

Faerie, if you have health insurance I'd recomend an inptient program that includes a medical detox. If they can get you through the w/d enough that you aren't sick without hydro or sub, etc., they can give you just Naloxone, which is the antagonist part of sub. It doesn't have any opiates in it but it binds to your receptors and keeps you from getting high, no matter how many hydros you take. I was put on it after a medical detox a long time ago, and it did work as long as I took it. Since by itself, it doesn't address the underlying issues that drive the addiction, eventually I stopped taking it and went back to taking drugs. But it might be worth giving it a shot! Also, I don't know if you go to NA or any of the 12-step groups, but you can admit to the group (or your sponsor if you have one) the difficulties you're having staying clean and maybe get some suggestions. Best of luck!

CatLady

Lindsay if your post was edited it would have said

it was edited and who edited it. Maybe you thought you put that

part in and you didn't. I will show you by example I will edit

the second post you made to show you what I mean.

Rosie

You mean like this Rosie? That is right, if one of the Mods edit your post, you would know.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: pharmboy,

Faerie,

Please don't feel so bad about yourself. We have all been there. This is just all such a vicious cycle. I don't think many of us mean to get in the cycle, but once you are in it is extremely difficult to get out. You made a great decision to get a counselor. You can begin working from there. Just look towards every new day....not the past. I will be thinking of and praying for you.

coug-gal, thanks for the vote of confidence. I am hoping that the counseling will get me turned around correctly.

Rosie & Lindsay - I can make a good guess at the "edit" question - my post contained the word "c r a p" (spaces so it wouldn't edit again) which is what's under the asterisks. This apparently is a keyword that is probably auto-edited by the software as a profanity-guard. Lindsay probably put the word "s c r a p e" and it obviously took the four letters from the middle of the word and auto-blocked them because it thought it was a swear. It's probably programmed to block out certain letter combinations that make up swear words, that's all. It's not too mysterious, I think it's probably an automatic censor on the software rather than someone editing someone else's post. =)

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Faeriewitch,

Faerie
Only because I know your history and the amounts you had been taking please don't take this wrong when I say I think it's time for some "tough love". Regardless of the job giving you the time off and even if you THINK you can't afford it, with those amounts alone it would pay for impatient recovery. How long can you deny to your fiance the different and many deliferies you are getting. I really feel like he already knows, but obviously loves you enough to let it ride. This, of course, not knowing exactly how much you are doing.
Hon, like I said there are ways to get help. I was in a state run rehab that was a beautiful gorgeous place, but the regimine was quite strict. It was a 6 weeks program, and after that six weeks you can opt for another 2 weeks where you were actually allowed to leave from 6 a.m. to p.m. Mine was for alcohol, so that may seem less trifling than your case, but when I left, (I opted for the extra 2 weeks) I never felt better, or saw life for what it was...good along with bad.. and was in the best physical condition I'd ever been in (we went to a gym 3 times a week) It was not like a prison you were always allowed to leave, and it never cost me a penny, except for the "outings" when we went shopping for incidentals and such.
I wish you would look into this or something like it. It saved my life, my sanity, and quite a few years of jailtime.
so, hon, just look in the mirror and make yourself see yourself...REALLY SEE YOURSELF. Look at all you can lose, because, really what are you gaining other than learning to be quite the proficient liar? I'm truly not trying to be mean, which is why I guess they call it "tough love".
Whatever happens you sound like such a good person and the world would be less without you.
Take care
B2

B2, I totally understand where you're coming from and I agree that inpatient rehab would REALLY force me to stop (at least in the short term - who knows once I got out), but I have to use that only as an absolute last resort, since I am the main "breadwinner" and if I don't get a paycheck, we don't pay our bills. When I saw the therapist in the past (last year) I was not yet ready to admit what I was doing, and now I am eager to talk about it, so I am going to go with this first. I have to believe that I can do this.

FW
You CAN do it. and you may even be surprised that if you come clean (maybe not ENTIRELY) with your employer they may would rather have a healthy employee than one that is constantly looking and waiting for what's being delivered at home (or work?). If not, than your fiance may have to put on an apron and take a job enough to cover your bills. Sweetie, your health comes first. The alternative BITES!! These places (in-state facilities) are not dungeons. the one I was in looked like something that Liz Taylor would have approved of. Once you get out, at least you'll be clean and sober enough to really think about "do I want to do this again?" I won't lie, I had a couple room mates that snuck out the windows even though they were free to leave on their own. I guess it felt more "Bonnie and Clyde" to them to do it that way..or maybe they were too weak. Who knows...All I know is I had a room to myself!!! (A little giggle to add to the situation) You really have to put it in your mind that you want to do this for yourself. People can make due while you are helping yourself. If my hubby died tomorrow (God forbid) I would just have to do whatever to raise my son. If that means working at McDonalds or whatever, it is all possible. Where there is life there is hope...not to sound too corny, but it is true.
Take care and take a little time to just meditate and think about this time in your life. You are young, and you have the whole world out there waiting for you to join.
Just wanting to be friendly and NOT nosey.
You are a friend.
Love
B2

Farie, listen to 5465, she said it all and very well said indeed. I too have been at a state facility, no lie, I was scared to death at first but gave it a few days and needless to say, 45 days later, I was a different person. 5465 said it best, your health is first and foremost, you will be surprised how life falls into place . Good luck to you and you will be in my prayers tonight. 5465, you seem to be doing GREAT! Has anyone told you they are proud of you lately? I am.

Well sugar
I sure can't say I haven't fallen off the wagon. I have learned alot and do know that for me anyway DO NOT DRINK WHILE DEPRESSED!!!! Now I don't drink every single day, but I do like my "toddys" now and again. But I don't even like saying that because besides sounding hyocritical I really want Fairie to at least give something a try. Up to now things aren't working, but I am also glad thet you reenforce the idea of a state run inpatient program.
Thanks, hon...looks like I got me a new friend as much as we've been running post to post.
I like it
Thanks
B2

quote:

Originally posted by anna777:
Farie, listen to 5465, she said it all and very well said indeed. I too have been at a state facility, no lie, I was scared to death at first but gave it a few days and needless to say, 45 days later, I was a different person. 5465 said it best, your health is first and foremost, you will be surprised how life falls into place . Good luck to you and you will be in my prayers tonight. 5465, you seem to be doing GREAT! Has anyone told you they are proud of you lately? I am.

You seem like a no nonsense girl so I am gonna throw this right out there....If you went thru state rehab for 45 days why are you here??? Have ya relapsed?? If you haven't yet staying on these boards will make it happen. You seem so familiar yet I can not put my finger on it. People, Places and Things amigo. That is the second lesson after admitting there is a problem.

Boxer
50 cent
1/2 a buck
and now 4 bits!!! LOL