Hey y'all.
Some of you will remember me, and some of you won't.
I haven't posted in a long time.
There's a reason for that.

I was using Lortabs responsibly for a long time, and then in the fall, my life got REALLY busy and things got out of control. Like, WAY out of control. When I do something -- be it work, or screwing up my life -- I go all out.
My knee didn't hurt anymore, but my soul/mind did.

Fast forward to February and 200-250 mg of hydrocodone a day, plus about eight somas a day, and valium to boot.
I said SCREW IT. Enough already. Went to a psychiatrist and started suboxone on Feb. 28.
I took two weeks off work to just deal.
I did a lot of reading at both heroin-detox.com and naabt.org about suboxone. What I read in both places scared the **** out of me. Decided to do a nine-day taper with the suboxone; I know how to clean up my life. This has happened before, albeit a different arena.

Soooo ... I did a rapid taper. 12 mg first day, 12 mg second day, 6 mg third day, 5 mg fourth day, 4 mg fifth day, 4 mg sixth day, 2 mg 7th day, 2 mg 8th day, 1 mg 9th day. This was MY OWN schedule. I made it up myself based on what I thought I needed.

Today is Day Two off suboxone and Day 11 without hydrocodone/soma/valium.

I'm posting for a few reasons.

1. I want to apologize to the legit pain sufferers out there that I screwed over with my addiction. Things just got way out of hand to the point that I couldn't see anymore. My knee injury was legit, yes, and things started legitimately, yes, but I walked straight into a downward spiral this fall. For my irresponsibility and my addiction, I apologize. I've been lurking every now and then, but couldn't stand to post or participate because I was so friggin' disgusted with myself.

2. I wanted people to know, if they're suffering and lurking like I was, that life is a hell of a lot better on the other side. Suboxone does work. However, if one is an addict, I am convinced that unless they take drastic steps to look at themselves and change their lives for the better, that they will get addicted to this too after an extended period of time. This may be a massive generalization. I know Fantasia was fine after two months. But even after a 9-day taper, I could feel myself getting addicted internally. You DON'T get high with it. But 'less is more' is the truest statement ever written about suboxone, and YOU WILL feel 'great' on suboxone. I got the heck off of it because I doubted like h*ll that I would feel GREAT six-seven days into cold turkey withdrawal.

3. Today is Friday, March 10. My last suboxone -- 1 mg -- was taken Wednesday morning. Last night I slept seven hours, thanks to Tylenol PM and melatonin. That means I'm 48 hours in the clear. I'm crossing my fingers that the 36-hour half-life won't kill me and that I don't wake up tomorrow in withdrawal from suboxone. Somehow, I doubt I will. Last night was a good sign. Anyway, I'm rambling. My THIRD point, friends and neighbors, is that I do feel good today. Very good, actually, all things considered. I've worked out every day this week, I've gone to meetings, and I'm so ready to put this chapter in my life behind me. My boyfriend was getting sick of my **** and getting ready to leave, I found out last night. Thank god I took steps before I lost anything in my life that I love -- and I'm finding that there are soooo many things about my life that I love.

Life off hydro is MUCH better than life on hydro so far. There is an unpleasant transition with suboxone -- for me, I felt 'normal' as touted on the first day, then HORRIBLE on the second day, mainly because I took WAAAYYY too much suboxone the second day. That's when I cut it in half, and the third day was much better. I didn't sleep much. Now, this could be because I quit soma/valium at the same time.

But ... last night I slept wonderfully. And I'm so glad I did this.
If there's anyone out there stuggling, drooling over their orders, carrying around their tracking numbers, foaming at the mouth when they go to pick up their package, doing things they're ashamed to do ... there's a way out.
Just quit.
I can see so much more color in my life now.
If you're addicted and you know it, and you're lying about it, and you think hydro makes you a better person, take a long hard look at yourself.
My friends can't believe the difference in me.
I can't believe the difference in me.
I'm still retraining myself. I got so used to popping pills anytime I had to do anything that I'm still paralyzed in a sense when I try to get motivated. But it's a friggin' lie, and I'll push through it.

I would recommend suboxone.
Some people will need to be on it longer than I was. Just don't get addicted to how good you feel.
Again, I'm so sorry.
So dam* sorry.
I think about what a wonderful group of people you are, and it makes me so sad that I abused the system.
I'm posting this in case other people are, and to take responsibility for myself.
I'm done living a lie.
It's cloudy out today, but still beautiful. Spring is coming. The world will be mine again for the taking.
Don't lie to yourself and the people that love you.
-d

I forgot something ...
If you can't quit cold turkey (I couldn't -- I always said I'd taper, and never did), this is the way to go.
I couldn't have quit without suboxone.
But it's NO 'miracle drug'.
You still have to do it yourself.
Off for coffee.

Thanks for sharing your story, sunflower cat. I remember you and I talked awhile back.
Remember? My cat's name is China Cat Sunflower...GD...you know.

Anyway, I'm so happy that you are feeling good about your life!! And so happy that you didn't lose that man you love so much.

Of course I remember you, hydrogen! Thanks for the support.

I still can't believe how sharp and defined everything is.

I intend to keep this thread going for at least a month, in case it helps anyone see what 'lies beyond'. It will be a good journaling experience for me, too.

I have to admit, the cravings can be somewhat paralyzing.

I use HALT to control them -- hungry, angry, lonely, tired -- and a 'capture, challenge, change' motif of thinking I read about on another board.

And I keep thinking about South Park -- ridiculous but true -- and that stupid song Mr. Mackey sings: "you can do it, it's all up to you, mmmm-kaaaayyy ...". Somehow, these things are working.

I will NOT live that life anymore.
It is NOT me.
GGGGGGRRRRRAHHHH!!

sfc -
Great going! Your experience can benefit many others. It's just nice to look at the "Recent Posts" and see your name. More later.

Puff

I tried Subutex and at the higher doses, I was in horrible and constant pain equal almost to withdrawals. I had flu-like symptoms that were constant. Also, doctors try and put you on that expensive medication for many months. Some people do well with it, and others do terrible with it. I could barely get out of bed when I used it. I was at 16mg./day to begin.

The ridiculous part of all this is that the doctors themselves have no idea what the narcotic conversion is from the problem opiate to the correct dosage of Subutex!! The experiment with you to figure this out. That's ridiculous. I know more about conversions than these incompetent doctors know.

Approach Subutex with caution. Once you are on it, it will repel all other opiates and escaping pain will be almost impossible. I would appreciate additional thoughts from others having experienced this drug and how they got through it and how soon they got off the Subutex.

I've read many different things about the conversion.

From what I understand, 10 mg morphine = 1 mg suboxone, and 15 mg of hydrocodone.

However, I think it's important NOT to look at this equation as something cut-and-dried. They are VERY DIFFERENT DRUGS.

Suboxone is NOT a full opiate. It is a partial opiate agonist that binds very tightly to the mu receptors, same as hydrocodone/oxycodone/oxycontin. This is why the wd's, especially short-term, are not nearly as paralyzing (I'll let you know tomorrow, I won't be clear until then ) as a full-blown opiate withdrawal.

Another problem: doctors give too much too soon, in my opinion. In my case, on the first day, I was dosed with 4 mg, then 4 mg 30 minutes later, then 4 mg 30 minutes later. Now, that was way too much, even for a habit as high as mine. Suboxone takes 90 minutes to fully metabolize in your bloodstream. Thus, I *should* have taken 4 mg and *waited* 90 minutes.

HTH ...
-sfc

SFC
I think you are very brave. I just wanted to say I am very happy for you. And, I don't think any apology is necessary. There are so many that struggle with the same thing as you. Most, I don't think, had any ill-intentions. I wish you well. Unfortunately, I have to run, but hang in there.
PB

Good to see you, PB, Puff!
I'm keepin' on keepin' on ...
Thanks for the words of support.
How the heck are you guys, btw?
And PB ... wow! You're a big cheese now! NICE!!!
-sfc

Thanks sunflowercat for the conversion info. And, I'm glad you're doing so well.

What did you feel like during your Suboxone experience? What side effects? How long had you been addicted to the hydro? Did you use anything to help you with any side effects?

You are a success story and any specific details are vital for those of us still struggling.

Sunflowercat, Your post is just what I needed today!
I printed it out so I can read it when I need a little
help and God knows I do. Thank you. jackie

Hey there
I remember a while back when we used to talk a lot through PM's and a few e-mails. I wondered a few times why you didn't come around as much, but always figured it was mostly because of your work schedule. I have noticed your name up as being here a few times, and wondered why you didn't post.
Please don't think badly of yourself...no reason to apologize to us. What happened to you sadly happens to a lot of people. People are on pain meds for an injury or some other legit reason, and then after a while you don't realize that you may not need to be on the meds anymore.
Sounds to me that you realized you didn't need them anymore, that it was out of control, and now you have taken the steps to put a stop to it.
You have nothing to be disgusted or ashamed of. I applaud you for what you are doing. You are a very intelligent and strong woman.
I still remember the first few times that you PM'ed me. I was very shy back then, and I didn't even know if I would fit in here. You gave me so much confidence back then, that it brought me out of my shell. I know I never told you that, and I'm sorry that I didn't. But I am telling you now. Matter of fact you might have been the very first person that I spoke with more privately..rather than just through posts. Some of the things you said to me boosted my confidence and made me feel good in general. That someone actually noticed me..lol..I am probably making no sense at all, and even feel a little silly writing all this. You may not even remember all our talks, it was so long ago.
But I felt the need to tell you. I want you to know that I always thought you were a very important part of PW. You are one of the people that makes this board what it is. The most caring and supportive chronic pain forum on the net!!
I am just so happy for you!!
Please keep us posted on how you are doing. It is always a pleasure to hear from you, and I know I am not the only person that thinks so highly of you.
Congrats to you again!!!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: ~Shawn~,

Yo mc! Wow, that was a nice message. I'll write you more later ... wow, that was touching.

JTpaladin -- Is your name from the 50s TV show? I'll try to answer your questions.

1. What did you feel like during your Suboxone experience?

Weirded out for the first few days. I don't know how else to describe it. Day 1 I felt 'normal' again and out of wd's, Day 2 I felt VERY speeded up bc I took too much per doctor's orders (and doctors start people at doses that are WAAAAYYY too high, in my opinion. Day 3 was better (bc I cut the dosage in half), and by Days 4-on I felt much more normal, albeit freaked out. Days 7-9 I felt GREAT, and that's when I knew to G-O go.

2. What side effects?
Ummm ... for me, insomnia was the only one. But, I don't know if that was due to quitting two other major CNS depressants.

3. How long had you been addicted to the hydro?

Used 'as needed' about 1-3 times a week for a year. Used daily/became physically dependent from Dec. 2004-August 2005. Full-blown addiction/abuse began Sept. 2005. I went from about 10 pills a day in Sept. to about 20-25 by December/January.

4.Did you use anything to help you with any side effects?

Nope. And I won't. Well, unless you count Tylenol PM and melatonin. I've just been trying to eat right and exercise. After the past six months you couldn't pay me to eat a pill.
-sfc

sfc -
I was thinking of your situation, and this phrase came to mind.
Puff

Wow ... thanks, Puff!! That's a gorgeous picture and quote.

Now I just have to keep earning it. One day at a time.
-sfc