I'll post this here because it's pertinent (unless I'm told not to).

11/16/04 10:30pm

24 hours in the Hydro Hotel. I'm nothing more than uncomfortable so far--thick dull ache at the base of my skull--I'm seeing the world through a thick fog. My legs throb like I've hiked twenty miles today. I am fatigued, and I could narcoleptically drop off at any moment. My stomach feels tight, like a fist clenched, while my intestines are a chorus of gurgles and strange squeaks (I shudder to think what that may bode). My emotions are wound taut, and they hover on the surface, waiting to burst forth.

Case in point: For his birthday, Jim (my husband) desperately wanted to go see Olivia Newton John perform with the Grand Rapids Symphony (he has long harbored a hunka-hunka burnin' love for her). In an effort to appear like a good, attentive wife, I procured tickets, and this evening found us at Devos Center. I was rather ambivalent about going, having never made out at a high school prom to one of her songs, but Jim was excited beyond belief (one would not expect this of a big barrel-chested Austrian who'd look perfectly at home in leather on a Harley).

I was entertained by her performance--she does have an enchantingly beautiful voice. Her encore song was, of course, "I Honestly Love You".

And in my 23rd hour, my opiate receptors screaming for some attention, and an already irritated right ovary about to drop an egg, I became emotionally overcome. I dug my fingernails into the palms of my hands to prevent myself from crying. Yes, it's true, that song does get me every time, but I was particularly vulnerable this evening. Jim led me through the fog out the door of the performance hall and to the ramp where the car was parked. We drove home in silence--he basking in the glow of Olivia Newton John, and I contemplating the days before me and passionately wishing that it won't be so bad.

I took ~60mg of DXM and a 10mg Valium. I find the DXM provides a moderate amunt of relief for me--it certainly takes the edge off.
Soon I'll sleep.

11/17/04 10:30am

My shivering and hot flashes are rapid cycling, and I fear I may throw up at any moment.
A little over 36 hours.
Today I feel sick. I want so badly for my boss to say, "Gee, you look like you don't feel good. Why don't you go home?"

When the alarm went off at 6:30, I thought it was all a bad dream. I'm only dreaming I'm sick, and my alarm isn't really going off--I can sleep much longer.

But no. Off to work I went. Spent some time in the bathroom before actually facing my desk.

45mg of DXM and 2 Immodium. Yes, some of the edge is taken off, but there's a damn big edge to work with here.

Maybe if I start sobbing uncontrollably (which doesn't sound like a half bad idea), I'll get sent home for being disruptive.

I don't know you but I am so very moved by your post. May God be with you during this time and may you find the strength to get your life back. I envy your courage, hang in there.

seri honey i am praying for you
why are you cold turkeying??
if it is because you cant get an order, then go to the er or something to get you through work week so you can ct in bed this weekend and perhaps function by monday

what are you doing for pain relief?...im sure the reason that you started taking hydro didnt just go away....did it?

if you have some...do a taper...even taking 1 or 2 a day..half at a time...will keep you from falling completely apart...
no one should have to go through what you are going through right now
are you even going to be able to drive home from work?/

I've never had success with a taper--I just can't keep my hands out of the cookie jar.
We fly out Saturday morning for South Carolina--my father has rented a beach front house for the week of Thanksgiving and wants all his children around him. I cannot spend the weekend in bed.
Regarding this Cold Turkey, I have it in my head that I can cope with "The Flu" for a few days. And with an immending surgery to remove a monster-size ovarian cyst, I had to do something about tolerance.
For pain I've been taking Ultram--it's somewhat effective, enough for me to almost ignore my throbbing pelvis.

Dear Serichards,
My heart goes out to you. I am praying for you RIGHT NOW! Sending you love, peace, happiness thoughts. You are so brave, Serichards and I have so much respect for you. It takes a certain kind of TRUE GRIT to go to work in the midst of your struggle.
WITH REGARDS TO BEING AT WORK
A few hacking coughs and clearing of your sinuses might get the attention of your boss/supervisor and lead them to suggest that you might be better off at home. You know, to NOT SPREAD your oncoming bout with flu or an upper resperitory infection TO YOUR CO-WORKERS!?!

Please keep posting if you feel like it and remember that we, your PW family, are all pulling for you and are here for you, whenever you need us.

Take care, sweetie and may God go with you and carry you through your darkest hours.
LM

11:35am
Sucrets makes a cough suppressant lozenge that is 10mg DXM.
Sucked on two.
Perhaps it's the old placebo effect at work, but I feel a little better--like maybe I'll make it to the end of my workday.
Perhaps a nappy-poo in my car at lunch.

Serichards, I give you alot of credit going the cold turkey route. You sound determined and ready to do it. I understand your desire to lower your tolerance before you have surgery, I would do exactly the same thing. Today is only Wed., hopefully you'll be feeling better by the time you have to leave for So. Carolina. Maybe the worst of it will have passed.

At least this weekend maybe you can sit on the beach and listen to the sound of the waves breaking , that always relaxed me. During my summers spent at the Jersey shore I used to love it when the beach would clear off of all the day trippers around 4 or 5 o'clock. SO NICE at that time. Wish I had your gift of writing to describe how that special time made me feel.
Keep up the good work, you're doing great, you should be very proud of yourself!

Hang tough. Just did cold turkey from over a year of 4-8 daily. Feel great today which is day five. Day four felt okay and went to work. felt bad day three and worked. Did not work day one and two as felt terrible. Hot showers worked wonders for me.

And the award for sheer determination, and bravery goes to, (Drum Roll please...), Seri, who is proving to us all that with a true purpose and focus of mind, we may all someday come to terms with our pains, and our methods of pain relief, and rise above. Props, cheers, and yeahs, from New England.

you don't know me,but I just gave you the biggest prayer I could think of,going to work and all,please give yourself a big hug,I am tapering and if I don't get my order I put if for,I will be doing ct by tuesday,I am down to 5,what was your dose at you don't have to ans. I just would like to know what I will be looking at with 5 if I have to stop,anyway goodluck you deserve it...Holiday

seri
i just wrote you a really long pm
but then my computer flipped out on me and i lost it
i will try to recreate

in the mean time
whenever i am feeling bad from tapering, holiday, running out, whatever
i try to sweat as much as i can, usually just lay out in the sun...but even here i cant do that every single day
seems to get the toxins out of my system faster

try going to a tanning bed
the heat is really good for back or joint pain
it is so very relaxing
the sweating will help
might dry up your sinuses or stop your w/d runny nose
and everybody looks better with a little color

last nite i took my last dose at 5pm
went to bed really early
woke up for a couple hours in the middle of the night, just watched tv and took a xanax
was after 8am before i took another hydro
15 hours
my nose was already starting to run
and my bowels were already moving...yuck
i was shaky and felt gross

i am planning a holiday this weekend
want to clean out my system
and if i dont, i will run out of pills and doesnt look like any of these nrop's can be counted on
i want to lower my tolerance a bit...and stretch the meds ive got until the end of the month

hang in there lady, we're all behind you

good luck dreama,as I know,this su***s,but smart this way than to run out.

Seri- and all of you going through this. I have wondered if it would be better to just fnish off the cookie jar and take it in one day. Am i prolonging it by trying to taper? Should I just ride until the gas runs out? Ofcourse there are two reasons for asking this. One would love to indulge and feel better two honestly is it better to just hit take the bandaid off all at once?

You two are so awesome.

1:10pm
A forty-five minute nap in the backseat of my car. I had left instructions with one of my bosses to wake me at one o'clock (the last time I napped in my car he forgot about me and what was to have been a little nap turned into a two hour long extravaganza). Today would have been a good day for him to forget about the sleeping Sarah, but no such luck.
And you know, for all my wanting to go home to my bed, all I'd have to do is ask.
But I don't. Because I am way to bull-headed for my own good.
The sensible thing would be to taper down, or even to go the suboxone route. Yet I have convinced myself that I can cope with this Cold Turkey thing, that I have the power to STOP. Part of the impetus to go about my detox in this fashion came from watching the movie "Traffic" on Sunday afternoon. The drug addicted daughter of Michael Douglas really got to me. I watched her scenes in horror. Yes, there is a difference between taking hydro and freebasing cocaine/shooting heroin, but addiction is addiction. The people that get sucked into the addictive cycle all have something in common. Her character just happened to be a bit further down the continuum than I am.
So I thought, NO! I will not slide further! I will not! I will STOP! I will be the one in control!
And here we are, 39 and 1/2 hours since my last dose.
I picked at a bowl of potato soup from the deli around the corner. Ordinarily I love this stuff, but today it sits in my stomach like a bowling ball. (How do you get bloated from soup?!)
Everyone here at work is pretty much staying away from me today--which is just fine. I'm the only female here, and they probably think I'm having my period.
I've looked cuter, that's for sure.