Hi everyone! Just thought I'd introduce myself. It's really more like me to read your threads in silence but I'm really suffering and thought I would reach out. Just 3 years ago my life was perfect.I graduated college and grad schoolwith my license as a psychotherapist. I was getting married to my Prince. A gorgeous young attorney I was engaged to for 3 years. I had a great job as a therapist. One Friday in March my kid brother came up to my office a wreck over a break up, money problems nothing urgent, I thought. I met him after work, bought him pizza and blew him off kind of early. That night he hung himself in the garage.I lost it. The doctor I worked with wrote me a script for 240 Xanax. I was so stoned for the next year because I hurt so bad I was no support to my family and my work suffered. Then driving on Xanax one day I was in an accident. I broke my left arm and my coccix(tailbone). My ortho prescribed Norco 10 for the pain. I was on both scripts for a while until I decided to quit. I soon found out that I had no "substance abuse" insurance. So I ran myself out of pills and went to the ER. They told me to come back if there was an emergency and gave me numbers for detoxes and rehabs. Sicker by the minute I got on two waiting lists. I went to take my dog for a walk 3 days in and collapsed face first in the street needing stitches and chipping a tooth.
An ambulance took me back to the same ER and I was with withdrawal seizures from the Xanax. I hallucinated, shook, bounced sweated and cried for 5 days then was dc'd. About a year ago I went back on the Norco 10 for the pain. Never went back on Xanax. I had a dr. prescribing120 and then I was ordering to supplement. I went back for my regular appt. and was told the dr. was no longer allowed to write scripts. I ordered Friday for Sat delivery and instead of a tracking number got an e-mail saying the pharmacy denied the script due to 2 OPs. Ran out of pills Friday. Saturday I sweat a lotand the runs and shakes. Sunday, I drank some coffee and actually went to the gym for a while though I had no appetite and had'nt eaten anything since Friday. All night my legs bounced and I sweated and paced and read your threads. Im still really sick and now I'm getting so worn because I can't sleep. W/Ds are killing me. I decided to go online and order, but promised myself I'd write first.

wow, what a ride you have been on. I would definatly get back on the xanax or valium and taper off it slowly, you can't just stop taking it or it will get worse, tapering is slow but easy and the best way, also you should switch to valium as its better to taper from.
Also, get yourself some kratom, the stuff is great and you will find that it actually makes you're body and mind feel good.
Good luck!

Just wanted to clarify, I have been off the benzos since I collapsed almost 2 years ago. I went back on hydros about a year ago as I heard the WDs weren't life threatening. Day 3 in they sure are miserable. I'd be more concerned with the benzo tolerance because I almost died trying to CT and was young and healthy, not overweight and had no history of seizures. What is your benzo tolerance like?

(((((angelscrying))))) a big hug to you first of all for your courage to post. I want to say I am deeply sorry for your loss for one, and I can't say that I can just imagine what it is like, because, I do not. I just want to let you know that this baord is great for you to find someone to talk to and get some help when you need it. I commend you on coming and posting. I sincerely hope that things become better for you hon.
As far as benzos, I've been on Ativan and Diazepam for over 2 years, but have been off both for the past 4 months. I have a very high tolerance for Ativan 1 mg, but the doctor changed me to Diazepem 10mg for my panic attack disorder that I have that the Ativan was just not helping. That stuff I do not have a tolerance for, it simply knocks me on my butt, and when I go off of it, I get very bad withdrawls and end up heavily depressed. This is why I'm off of them now. They really have messed with my brain chemistry and I will never go back on Xanax again. I was on Xanax over a year ago and it gave me nightmares like no tomorrow. It also made me very emotional for some reason. I know exactly what you are going through though, because, I have gone through the same withdrawls you have and the best advice is to get something to taper off of, just like K said. Also get yourself to a doctor sweety as soon as you can. You don't need to be in this sort of pain/condition. And if you decide to do this over online, be careful of what you order too hon. Things can be conflicting and cause all sorts of stuff to your body. I'm no doctor, but I can recommend maybe the Diazepam to help you relax a little, but I'm not sure if you will get side effects with it, it's differnt for every person. You might want to start out on the 5 mg Diazepam then the 10mg, because the 10mg is very potent and powerful. But, that's my opinion hon.
Let me know what happens. Thanks for posting and will be lookign forward to hearing from your soon. Please take care of yourself.

Angelscrying,

I am so sorry to hear your story. It is unfortunately all to common. You are right from what I have heard - the benzo w/d can kill you if you have been taking them for a long time so I believe there is a pretty stringent taper schedule. So glad you made it through that.

The hydro w/d sound like they can be hellish but there is an end in sight, though it can take some time to get your seratonin production back to normal.

The one thing I thought of as I read your story was the cause of all of this. It sounds as though you are truly guilt ridden. In your profession, I am sure I am not telling you anything you do not already know. Have you sought help for it? Please accept that as a rhetorical question as it is a)none of my business and b) something you already know. You were not responsible for your brother's death!

My thoughts and prayers are with you angel. I truly wish you peace and fast healing.

Seeker

Thank you so much for your prayers and thoughts. Unfortunately,I am about to fail this WD attempt. My OP just e-mailed me a tracking number for the hydros that got lost last week. Four days CT I will begin taking hydros again. Even if the WD's weren't crippling(which they are) the pain is unbearable. Reading your post brought real tears to my eyes. Thanks for the hug.

Angelscrying, I would like to welcome you to the board, and for having the courage to post about your loss. While I have not lost a family member that way, I have lost two dear friends to suicide. I know how hard it was, and can not imagine how difficult it must be on you being that it was your brother. My heart goes out to you. Please listen to me though, if you are taking pain meds for the right reasons, then there is nothing wrong with that. If you are taking them to help with the emotional pain, then there is a problem. You are doing nothing but hurting yourself, and pushing the emotional pain away. It will not go away this way. I am not judging you at all, please don't take my post that way. I see you reaching out and I truely feel for you. You can always come here for tons of support, there are lots of wonderful caring people here, but do you have anyone in your personal life that you can talk to? Please be careful and let me know if I can be of any help at all. My prayers are with you. Take care of yourself