Hello to all. I'm a long-time lurker, and have experienced fear, hope, joy, and dispair from reading the posts in this area of PW. Thanks to all of you for opening your hearts to help one another. You have also helped me a great deal--sitting silently in the background. Well, it's time to for me to figure out where to go from here.

I am now on my 5th day without hydro after 18 months of daily use (10-40mg/day; usually 20mg). I also quit taking Didrex 5 days ago, which I took almost daily for about a year. I am still taking valium (15-20mg/day), which I have been taking daily for about 2 years, and tramadol, which I am taking to replace the hydro (100-150mg/day). I am rather half-heartedly tapering from the tramadol, and need to figure out what's next. This all started due to anxiety and depression that hit me when the IRS came knocking on my door, causing me to have to face rather serious financial problems. I do have a history of back pain (surgery in 92 for herniated lumbar disc), but I really used this as an excuse to get hydro in an effort to quell the psychological pain. The combination of hydro and valium worked wonders for several months. I would just take it in the afternoon/evenings, so I could have a little mental peace. Didrex, a stimulant indicated for weight loss, was added to the mix later "to lose a little weight" (but really to lift the fog in the morning and allow some semblance of joy). This also worked pretty well, until tolerance reared it's ugly head. In the last few months, I woke up to the reality that this approach to happiness is a dead-end street. It wasn't working anymore, and I had both physical and psychological dependency issues to face.

I am still suffering chills and horrid depression, but I do think I've turned the corner on the physcial withdrawl symptoms. I've got about 90 lovely 10/500 Watsons that keep talking to me, but I haven't touched them--yet.

I did try the SSRI thing (Lexapro)for about 6 weeks last summer, but I felt worse, not better. I like immediate gratification, and lack the patience to wait weeks to see if these expensive, side-effect ridden things will work for me.

I used to exercise every day. I even did a full ironman triathlon a couple of years ago, before the meds became my all-consuming "hobby." I quit the gym to save money. God only knows how much more $ I've spent on medications. Self delusion at its finest.

Before I took that first valium 2 years ago, I had been totally clean and sober since 1989. I went into rehab because I was a 29 year old drunk. I had certainly used drugs recreationally in my younger years, but never had a daily habit other than booze. I was an active 12-stepper for 10 years or so, then slipped away into dry-drunk status, until the first valium. I still have not taken a drink, and do not think I will. I know I cannot control my consumption of alcohol. I have been able to keep my prescription drug doses within reasonable limits, but I know it's a dead-end street in my quest for inner peace. I also realize it is incredibly stupid to combine CNS stimulants, opiates, and benzodiazepines.

My job sucks, my marriage sucks, I am emotionally dead and have monsterous financial problems. I want to hide in my pill bottles and block it all out. I isolate. I have to force myself out of bed every day, and can't wait to get back into it at night. My wife is worried about me, but does not know of my drug issues. I do not think our marriage could survive it; she's been through that with me once with the alcohol thing.

I know in my "head" that I will feel better if I go back to AA, or go to NA and tell the truth. It is hard on my pride, since I have 14 years of "sobriety"---with one little caveat: I am now a friggin drug addict. I also know in my "head" that psychotherapy or psychiatry might help. I have a psychology degree and have known a lot of shrinks; most of them have been nuts themselves. I'm reasonably sure I could go to 10 different psychicatrists and get at least 5 different diagnosis/theraputic plans. Human behavior is very complex, and does not fit neatly into the little "DSM-IV" boxes that have been invented by psychiatrists. I also worry about having such things plastered all over my medical records. It can effect job, insurance availability, etc.

My current "plan" is to taper off the tramadol over the next few days, down to zero if I have the courage. I'll then think about a valium taper. I'd love to be off it all, but the valium really does help me cope. It does not work as well as it did in the beginning, but it definitely does take the edge off. I have been anxious as hell my whole life (Diagnosed w/ GAD twice). I am also scared to death of rebound anxiety/ benzodiazepine withdrawl. Fortunately, that fear has kept me from increasing my dose. I know that much of the depression is due to screwed up neurotransmitter function related to hydro/stimulant withdrawl. I am taking the amino acids and vitamins reccomended by others on this board, and hopefully that will help. Perhaps If I can go for a couple of weeks with nothing but the valium, I can figure out how much of this depression is drug related, and how much is "me." Then, perhaps, a SLOW valium taper, and possibly an anitdepressant. Wellbutrin looks like a possibility since I seem to be dopamine-hungry (stimulant use; nicotine use also).

Anyway, that's where I am today. We'll see what tomorrow brings. For those that took the time to read my little confession, thanks for listening.

im sorry u r having all these probs. i too was on hydrox12 a day soma 30 a day plus a little oxy as a chaser 2 times a day. i went from that to no oxy, then 1 ms contin 60mg to nuttin then i took 1 little ole subtex and all has been well since! it can be done.

here's the thing with me at least. ive had rashes for 24 years on my face, never thought much of it. never connected the dots with the pain , well, the dermatologist biopsyed it and I have LUPUS , its a disease that kills, now all I wish for is to live long enough to raise my son, he is 8. Never again will I wish I could get high or escape. When your faced with death, then nothing else matters but your family. it's all in the way you look at it. Life is way 2 short to waist it. I hope this helps you. I hope i live to see my son graduate and maybe have a family of his own

good luck

To listen and empathize, to read and feel the pain. To know that at one point in time or another, I may have been you.
Please continue to write pw, let us listen, let us not forget...we are all so very close to the ledge, everyday.

Be strong, and don't be ashamed, here, ever.

hopeful,
i have sent you a private message. dianne

I think you are very brave to be doing what you're doing. I wish I had enough courage to stop taking hydro. I know how stressful this can be, keeping this dirty little secret from a signifigant other. Mix that with your financial problems and depression, I can't imagine what you're going through right now. As difficult as it may be, look at the positive; you realized you had a problem, and you had the courage to do something about it all on your own. You've gone 5 days without hydro! Some people can't fatham going 5 hours without it. You're taking conrtol of this problem before it controls you, that's very admireable. I hope you'll continue to post, and let us know how you are doing.

Hello again, and thanks to those who posted and/or sent PMs. Warthogg, your situation is terrible, and is the kind of story that helps me put my own difficulties in perspective. We never really knows how we will respond to tragedy until we have to face it. Some cave in and give up; others rise and deal with it as you so courageously have.

I feel much better today, although I'm still a wreck compared to where I want to be. I'm sure that fessing up on this board, together with the outpouing of support, has a lot to do with it. I also doubled my dose of DL Phenylaline this morning, so perhaps I'm getting a bit more Dopamine production in my foggy gray matter. I used DMX and Immodium last night, and had my first night free of dancing legs. I've only had 1/2 of an ultram today, and will try to make it until tonight and take only another 1/2. If that works, I'll cut it again tomorrow.

I'll keep you posted on my progress, and thanks again for being here.

Hopefull, I know how hard this all is, the mental part is the hardest after the wd's. Try to find something positive to do, it's out there. Seems we are born with a key ring full of keys. We just have to find the right one for that particular door. Godspeed

leathernlace, thanks; that's good advice. In fact, I've been doing just that: I actually did the job I am paid to do today instead of moping all day, surfing the net, and wallowing in misery and depression. I still found time to post here; I need the support. I think I'll join the gym again also.

I got hit with the chills this afternoon after lunch and almost took a bit of ultram. Instead, I took an L-tyrosine and a cup of coffee, and feel pretty good. I'll probably take 1/2 an ultram tonight as planned, but maybe not. If I can get through the night with a bit of DXM, immodium, and my usual valium, I may be free at last. We'll see.

I'm thinking of planning a little funeral for my hydro stash. Nothing fancy; just a short ceremony over a little hole in some soggy ground. Here lies my past; may it never return. I know it is dangerous to keep it around me forever, for eventually the voice in my head will drive me back (either because I've been good and think I'm cured, or I hit some personal crisis or pain flare-up and convice myself I need it). For the moment, I think it is important for me to know I have it but will not take it. This may be self-delusion, but to have access and not give in seems to build confidence that I can lick this thing for good(with the help of others). Then again, it may just be my evil brain planning a relapse behind my back. The funeral arrangements should be made soon.

Well, here I am on day 7. Based on how good I felt yesterday, I decided to skip the tramadol last night. Honestly, I thought I was done. I figured another night with a little immodium and DMX and I'd wake up fresh and alive. Didn't happen that way. Obviously, that itty-bitty 1/2 of a tramadol I took yesterday morning was clinging tenatiously to my opiate receptors, which is why I felt good yesterday. Last night, I took my aminos, immodium and DMX and laid down. I was exhausted, and fully expected to fall asleep immediately. Wrong. Tossed and turned for hours, then finally got up, ate an ambien and tried again. Nothing. Tossed some more, got up, and reluctantly took more benzo (Xanax, which I normally avoid, because I love it too much). I finally got to sleep. Not surprisingly, I had a hangover this morning. I am also freezing and sweating again, and generally feel like a sick, wet sock.

On a positive note, I am done! No more opitates in my system, and I will not take any more--period. No way, no how, no matter what, even if my a$$ falls off. I went to a 12 step meeting after work yesterday evening and confessed to a room full of strangers that I blew over 12 years of sobriety. No more lies. I see freedom down the road. I WILL make it; I've done it before, and I know now that I can become addicted to anything that feels good, whether it's booze or pills. Hopefully, this will be the last day of these physical withdrawl symptoms. If not, I know it can't be much longer. Then I will kick back for a couple of days and gather my strength before attempting my valium taper. I plan to do it very slow, but very sure. I want to get free of all of this crap and find out what's real and what's not. Perhaps I will have to get back on valium or an antidepressant; I hope not. One dragon at a time. I have heard so many horror stories about benzo withdrawl--how it's worse than hydro. I sure hope that it won't be that bad for me; I'm going to take it slow.

I crave hydro. I also crave the return of my youth and a pile of money, but I can't have those either. Sigh.

You know you can take the amino acids L tryptophan and L tryosine to boost your seratonin and dopamin levels and avoid anti depressants. The hydro messed with your brain and if you take these amino acids it will it will lift the cloudy head thing and you wont be depressed. Worked for me. Worked for alot of people on this board. Do a search for amino acids, you will find lots of info about it.
Amy

hopeful, your story is fascinating and I think you have a lot of courage...just wanted you to know that.

My question...what does the DMX do for you? I see that mentioned alot...why is it useful? Same for immodium (besides the obvious)?

Hang in there Hopeful. I'm almost done. It can be done. It's like stepping in dog doo. You can get most of it off in the grass but it still smells for awhile. Now, if you step in bubble gum on hot asphalt...you're on your own.

Take care,

danger

I have the same question Skylar. Also, what does the immodium do. I always see people posting to get DMX and Immodium but I always assumed it was for diahrea. Does it do something else to help?

Susie

Best of luck hopeful. Keep up the great work and stay positive.

Amy, I am taking the aminos as you and Missthang have suggested and it does help. I would never have believed it if I had not tried it, but the DL Phenylalinine and L tyrosine both have a very quick and undeniably uplifting effect. I take the 5HTP at night only (so far). This is based on my prior experience with Lexapro, an SSRI which made me feel sleepy. Thus, I take the seretonin-producing amino at night instead of during the day. I may experiement with diferent doses/combinations once my brain is a little more clear. I am wary of prescription anitdepressants, and probably will avoid them.

Skylar and SuseCue : immodium is, as I undertand it, an opiate derivitive with no pshchoactive properties (does not cross blood/brain barrier). It is widely suggested on the boards in easing the discomfort of opiate withdrawal. It also, of course, takes care of that nasty gastrointestinal side-effect that generally keeps one trotting to the bathroom during withdrawal. DXM (dextromethorphan) is an over the counter cough remedy also regularly touted as helpful in withdrawl. I believe it slows the metabolic breakdown of opiates in the liver. It can interract badly with some other medications, and can be a drug of abuse in high doses. I don't know that much about it. I figured I'd just try a small amount of both at the end of the physical withdrawal period, on the theory that it can't hurt and might help. I don't plan to take it anymore; just did it 2 nights. I might continue with the immodium; it depends on how my belly acts this evening.

Im very tired this afternoon, but not depressed. The chills are gone following my post-lunch dose of L-tryosine and a cup of coffee, but I'm much more lethargic than I was yesterday. Hopefully, I'll sleep well tonight without much chemical assistance. Only one thing certain: no hydro or ultram. Thanks all.

hopeful, I just started taking the L-Tyrosine today. Didn't feel anything but its only day 1. I also went on the net and ordered L-Tryptophan since the 5 HTP didn't seem to do much of anything for me.
Got all the others as well, omega 3, multivitamens, NAC...
None really do much, the 5 HTP was so so but it could have been that I mentally tricked myself into thinking it was doing something.
I was taking some melatonin before but stopped this week as I was waking up sometimes feeling a bit outa it so not sure if that was doing it or not.
Valium seems to work the best but I am trying to taper so I don't want to go over my normal dosage between 10-20mgs but since I take them at the same time I may try taking one during the day and then only 1 at night. It definatly takes away that jittery feeling.